


Carve Your Heart Out

by Magnetism_bind



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Cunnilingus, Drinking, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fingering, Forced Orgasm, Fuck Or Die, Guilt, Hair-pulling, Loss of Trust, More angst, Strap-Ons, Trust Issues, Violence, non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-09-28 04:59:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10072961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magnetism_bind/pseuds/Magnetism_bind
Summary: Kara & Lena are kidnapped by an enemy who forces them to make a terrible choice to survive.





	1. Chapter 1

It took Kara a moment to realize it was pure chance she was even there at all. For once the situation had had nothing to do with her. She should have just broken free but the need to keep her identity safe had been hammered into her recently ( _Too many people know. You got lucky with the people you told._ ), and she knew J’onn was right so she hesitated. 

Besides how bad of enemies could Lena Luthor really have anyway?

 *  *  *

They had been in the park having lunch together and afterwards Lena had insisted on dropping Kara back off at CatCo.

“It’s the least I can do, after you were nice enough to join me for lunch.”

“I wanted to do that.” Kara protested. “Besides your afternoon is probably full of important meetings whereas I just have to edit another article about city transport.” She wondered if Snapper would ever let her follow up on another good story, or if this would be her fate, doomed to just waste away writing piddling stories about buses. There was nothing wrong with buses; she just felt she could be doing more with her time.

“Nothing that important.” Lena assured him. “Come on.”

They had gotten into the car, and the last thing Kara remembered was a strong acrid smell before she had blacked out.

 *  *  *

Now they were in a room with stark white walls and no windows. There were security cameras though, one in each corner, which seemed a little like overkill in Kara's opinion. Lena was slumped against the opposite wall, her hands cuffed behind her back, just as Kara’s were cuffed behind hers.

There were only a few moments to think. If she broke out of the cuffs right now and got Lena out of there, Lena would know her secret, as well as any possible henchmen they might encounter outside. J’onn had been adamant that she couldn’t tell another person about her secret identity.

“I know you want to trust people, Kara. But people aren’t always worthy of your trust. And it’s not just putting yourself at risk, it’s putting Alex and the rest of the DEO agents in danger as well.” His eyes had been kind, and Kara knew he was right even if she didn’t want to believe it. She had promised him.

Lena was different though; she could trust Lena. She knew she could.

Kara chewed her on her lip, weighing it.

Then Lena stirred, and Kara pushed the decision away for now. Probably it was just a simple kidnapping, someone wanting to make Lillian Luthor pay for her daughter’s return. They’d be held for ransom and then they’d get to go home. She could wait a little longer to tell Lena the truth.

“Hey.” She said softly.

Lena pushed herself up groggily. “What happened?”

Kara sat up straighter. “I’d say we were chloroformed.” Clearly it was affecting Lena more than it was affecting her. She’d just say she’d been awake longer if it was necessary. She hated lying, and she hated doing it to Lena. The instinct to trust Lena with her secret burned inside her.

Lena shook her head to clear it and then looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. “Kara, oh my god, why are you here? Why would they take you too?”

“They?” Kara straightened up a little. “Do you know who it is?”

“Someone with a grudge against the Luthor name. I’ve been getting emails over the last two, three weeks, calling me to ‘give up this farce of goodness’ and just ‘surrender to the Luthor legacy.’” Her lip curled in disgust.

“Did you show the emails to anyone? Did you tell the police?”

“The first time, yes. They had me file a harassment report. After that…A woman goes to the police one too many times with no other evidence to show.” Lena shook her head. “You know how it is.”

“That’s not right.” Why hadn't Lena come to her? She could have done something. 

“But it’s the way things are.” Lena’s voice cracked. “And now some asshole who hates my family has done this.” She would never forgive herself for putting Kara in danger, never. This was all her fault. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, not wanting to face the woman she had dragged into this mess.

“They never would have taken you if it wasn’t for me.” Lena said bitterly. “It’s entirely my fault.”

“No, no it’s not.” Kara wanted to reach out, to put her hand out and reassure her through a simple touch, but she couldn’t even do that much because of the stupid cuffs.

Lena opened her eyes. Kara was so sincere, so earnest that she forced a smile. “Thank you for saying that.” They both knew it wasn’t true.

*  *  *

The door opened and they both looked up warily. The man who entered the room was tall with wavy auburn hair and intense green eyes. He wasn’t anyone Kara recognized and she looked quickly at Lena to see if she knew him either.

There was no sign of recognition as Lena gazed up at him, just a strong resolve not to show fear. Kara’s heart surged in her chest. She would make sure they both got out of here alive. She vowed it.

The man ignored Kara and went over to Lena, stopping right in front of her.

He looked down at her. “Miss Luthor, what a pleasure.” His accent was British, smooth as a polished stone.

“Whatever your purpose was in taking us, you’re going to regret it.” Somehow Lena managed to sound entirely unaffected by the situation. Kara loved that about her. How she always managed to keep her cool in the face of danger, even in a situation like this. 

“I doubt it.” The man said. He crouched down in front of her, smiling. “You don’t remember me, do you?”

Lena looked puzzled. “No, why should I?”

“No, no, it’s entirely my fault.” The man murmured. “You were much younger when we first met.” He smiled and Lena’s skin prickled. There was something about that smile. Maybe she had seen him before.

“Gabriel James. It was many years ago at a fundraiser. I had been awarded a grant to work on a project funded by LexCorp, and that night we were celebrating. Six months later your dear brother decided my results weren’t happening quickly enough for him so he pulled the funding and my project went down the toilet.”

“Lex. This is all because of Lex.” Lena murmured. Now she understood the bitterness and frustration apparent in the man’s eyes; she understood everything. Once again, this was because of her brother, and had nothing to do with her, except by default of being a Luthor. Would she never be free of her family? Was this always the way it would go?

“If you’re hoping to get my mother to cough up a ransom out of her affection for her daughter, good luck.”

“I don’t want any ransom.” Gabriel’s voice was very soft. “That’s not my intention at all. I merely want the Luthors, all of the Luthors, to admit what they really are.”

“And what are they?”

His smile twisted. “Arrogant, amoral, selfish creatures, who do exactly what they like without considering anyone else.”

Lena leaned forward. “Just because Lex decided your research wasn’t worth it, doesn’t mean we’re all like that. I am not my brother.”

“No?” He cupped her face in a broad hand, tilting her jaw sideways to gaze intently at her cheek. “I think you’re just as capable of terrible deeds and have just as dark a heart.” He stood then, straightening up to his full height, towering over her.

“Sounds like someone’s a little bitter cause their funding got cut.” Kara called out. She knew what she was doing and it worked, drawing the man's attention over to her and away from Lena.

Gabriel looked sharply at her. “And you are?”

“No one. She’s just a temp working for my company.” Lena lied quickly. 

Kara shook her head. “Kara Danvers, reporter for CatCo, and if you think for one second you’re gonna get away with this, better think again, buddy.”

He stared at her incredulously. “ _You’re_ a reporter?”

“Yeah.” _Why was that so hard for everyone to believe? "_ So?"

Gabriel chuckled, which wasn’t really the reaction Kara had been hoping for but oh well.

“I loathe reporters.” He murmured, walking over to the door and pressing a button on the keypad. It slid open and a guard stepped inside.

Kara tensed, looking quickly at Lena who was looking back at her with a worried expression.

“Like I said, Miss Luthor, this isn’t about ransom.” Gabriel nodded at the guard. “And as for your outspoken little friend, well, we don’t really need her.” He gestured to the guard who walked over to Kara.

Instinctively she backed up against the wall, her hands itching to break the cuffs and just punch him.

The guard leaned down, reaching out to grab her.

"Back off." Kara said, trying to sound as firm as Lena has had. Maybe he wouldn’t listen to Kara Danvers, but it was worth a shot.

The guard simply grabbed her by the neck and hauled her upright, pressing her up against the wall. His hand encircled her throat, grasping it hard. 

“Let her go!” Lena pulled against her own handcuffs. "Stop!"

The guard ignored her, his grip tightening on Kara’s throat. She struggled to breathe, kicking out at him.

"You hurt her in any way and I will never give you whatever the hell it is you do want."

“What I want?” Gabriel sounded intrigued as he looked over at Lena. "What makes you think I want anything?"

“You said this wasn’t about ransom. But you must want something. You must, otherwise you wouldn’t have brought me here.” Lena said coolly. “We can negotiate, but only after you let her go.”

The guard still held his hand on Kara’s throat. His fingers pressed tighter and she choked, eyes watering as she fought to breathe.

“Just don’t hurt her.”

Gabriel grinned. "Me? Hurt her? Oh no, Miss Luthor. That's going to be all you."

Lena stared at him uncomprehendingly. "What does that mean?"

"You always want to prove you're better than the family name, that you're not really as bad as them." His smile tightened. "I happen to disagree, and I'm going to prove it."

He nodded to the guard who loosened his grip ever so slightly, but kept Kara against the wall. 

 _Break free, just get out of this_ , she thought. But there were so many cameras, there'd be no way they could hide her identity after this. Besides, she could cope with a little torture. As long as they didn’t hurt Lena, she could bear the brunt of it. 

If only Kara could reassure her. She threw a look at Lena, seeking desperately to remind her that none of this was her fault.

“What is it you want me to do?” Lena asked determinedly. She could get money; she had vast resources at her fingertips. She didn’t want to do anything illegal, but to save Kara, she wasn’t sure there was anything she wouldn’t do.

And then Gabriel said, almost casually, as though it hardly mattered at all. “I want you to fuck her.”

Lena froze. “What?” She must have heard him wrong. There was no way that was what he had said, what he wanted her to do to Kara. Six little words that tore at her heart and made her want to scream. 

“I said, I want you to fuck her. Show me what you’re capable of, Miss Luthor, and perhaps I’ll let your _friend_ ,” he sneered the word, “live after all.”

Lena looked over at Kara in horror. “I can’t…I could never do that.”

“If you don’t, I’m going to have Carson over there simply snap her neck in front of you. So please, at least consider it.”

Lena couldn’t say anything. She just pressed her lips together and looked away from him.

“I’ll give you a little while to think it over.” He smiled graciously and went out.

Silence filled the room after the door closed, stretching between them like an abyss.

“Lena.” Kara started to say, and then paused. What could she possibly say to make this okay? Surely this was the moment to disregard J’onn’s orders and show Lena she was Supergirl. She couldn’t put her through this.

“They obviously meant to take you too.” Lena leaned her head back. “Otherwise they wouldn’t have had any leverage to even make me try to, to….” She trailed off, unable to look at Kara. “That’d they even think I was capable of such a thing.” Lena sat very still. “They must think I’m truly a Luthor to believe that.”

“It doesn’t matter what they think.” Kara told her. "I know you would never hurt me.

"How can you be sure?" Lena whispered.

*  *  *

“Time’s up.” Gabriel stood in the doorway. “Have we made our decision?”

Lena pushed herself to her feet, bracing her cuffed hands against the wall. “I’m not going to do this. It’s inhuman. You can’t make me.”

“Very well.” Gabriel accepted her response. “Then we’ll just take her out and have her shot.”

“No!” Lena cried desperately. "Ask for something else. Anything else and I'll do it."

“If you can’t do what I want, that’s what will happen next, Miss Luthor.”

Lena shook her head. “I can’t."

“Are you sure about that?” Gabriel murmured.

“Lena. _Lena_ ,” Kara made her meet her gaze. “I can take it.”

Lena looked back at her with shocked eyes. “Kara, I’m not going to do this to you.”

“Very well.” Gabriel hit the button and the guard came in again. He went over to Kara and pulled her up. She pulled free.

“Let go of me.”

The guard slapped her hard across the face, and grabbed her by the arm. He started leading her towards the door.

“Kara!” The anguish in Lena’s voice cut her to the core.

Kara tried to get her to understand she could do this, she could survive this; they would survive this. All Lena had to do was trust her. 

Lena gave her one last searching look and then, in a voice barely audible. “I'll do it."

“Sorry?” Gabriel raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"

Lena gazed at him with hatred in her eyes. “I said I’ll do it.”

“How noble.” Gabriel murmured. “How utterly self-sacrificing. How completely unlike a Luthor.”

“Shut up.” Lena said.

“Please keep a polite tone, Miss Luthor. I would so hate for matters to become unpleasant.” He inspected his watch. “I have something I have to attend to first. In the meantime, Carson will get you both ready." He looked at the guard. "Prep the blonde in here and take Miss Luthor next door.” He left the room without another look.

“Don’t worry about me,” Kara said as the guard grabbed Lena, forcing her over to the door. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”

Lena looked at her over her shoulder, her face shadowed. “How can you be so sure?”

“I have faith in you.” Kara told her softly.

Lena gazed back at her, as long as she could, until the door closed and Kara was left alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The guard fastened Kara to a tall metal suspension frame, chaining her spread wrists to the rack above her head, and each ankle to a pole. Other than that he had left her alone. She had expected more after Gabriel’s parting comment.

Was she really doing this? Letting Lena think this was the only way out?

Kara stared up at the cameras…she didn’t know how many people were watching, how many people would see if she used her powers.

Gabriel entered the room. “That’s good. You can bring in Miss Luthor in a moment.” The guard left and they were alone.

Gabriel stared at Kara thoughtfully. "She cares about you." He didn’t seem surprised, merely intrigued by the notion that this little experiment might prove more interesting than he had previously thought.

"Whatever your personal history with Lex, she’s not like him." He had to understand that. How could anyone think Lena was anything like her brother?

He came closer to her, walking around her. "How do you know?"

"Because I know her."

Gabriel shook his head. "Can you ever truly know the depths of another person? Can you know what they're capable of until you've put them to the test?"

"I don't have to test people to know them." Kara retorted.

He smiled. "Then I'm doing you a favor really."

He stood right behind her, so close she could feel his breath on the back of her neck.

"You'll know her so much better after today, and you'll have me to thank for it. Every time she looks at you, she'll remember this."

Kara flinched.

He was right, she knew it intimately. How could she even think of letting Lena do this? Lena would never forgive her.

“And if she doesn’t,” he whispered. “I’ll kill her. After I kill you of course.”

He stepped back to gaze at her face. “I see we understand each other.”

He turned to the camera. “Bring in Miss Luthor now.”

*  *  *

Kara tried to control her fear, to remember what she had told Lena. They could survive this; they would survive this. It wasn’t the threat of pain that worried her; she could take that. It was Lena…

Gabriel leaned against the wall, watching her.

“So she cares about you, but what do you think of our Miss Luthor?” He inquired idly.

Kara looked at him with cool eyes. “I think she’s a better human being than you could ever dream of being.”

Gabriel chuckled. “I can dream of extraordinarily good things, I’ll have you know.”

The door opened and Lena walked in. Kara caught her breath. She was filled with a strange mix of sensations. She didn’t want to put Lena through this, she didn’t want Lena to deal with this. She never would have wanted this to happen, even if she had dreamed, in her own private fantasies, she never would have forced them on Lena. Never would have even dreamed of broaching the subject with her.

But here Lena stood, naked except for a strap-on and her dark heels. Her hair was still held up by a clip, leaving her nothing to hide behind. Kara was caught between an unwanted wave of desire and utter revulsion at herself, for this situation that she was allowing to continue.

 _She will never forgive me_ , she thought as Lena walked hesitantly towards her. Her heels clicked evenly on the smooth floor.

“What do you want me to do?”

“I believe I already told you.” Gabriel said. “But we can begin with you taking off her underwear.”

Kara’s face burned. Lena walked silently around behind her. She hesitated then slowly reached under Kara’s skirt to draw her blue cotton underwear down her thighs.

“Her ankles are tied.”

“And?” Gabriel sounded bored at this point.

Lena’s face tightened. Her hands rested on Kara’s thighs for a second and then she ripped them, the sound obscenely loud in the silence. Lena held the shredded pieces for a moment and then dropped them to the floor without a word.

“Can’t I…can’t I have lubricant of some sort?” She asked quietly, not looking at Kara. Her cheeks were pale, her eyes dark. Kara’s heart wrenched heavily in her chest.

Her eyes were dark and cool as she looked over at Gabriel.

“If you want her wet, you’ll have to do it with your mouth.”

Lena flushed hard and angry. She looked at Kara then, searching her face for something? Permission? Understanding? Kara gazed back at her. If she couldn’t reassure Lena that this would all work out, what good was any of this?

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Lena murmured. “But.” She didn’t know if she could do that, not to Kara, not like this. It was wrong, all wrong.

“Just do it.” Kara blurted out. “It’s okay.” She could handle the amount of pain that would be; maybe it was even what she deserved, putting Lena through this whole mess. Deep down she knew that wasn't true, but at the moment she was sick with guilt.

“Are you sure?”

“Ladies, ladies,” Gabriel chided. “This is all very touching, but dull.”

Lena glared at him and then stepped closer to Kara. Her strap-on brushed Kara’s thigh and the cool polished rubber of it sent a strange shock through her.

“From behind.”

“What?”

“I want you to do her from behind.” Gabriel said patiently, as though she hadn’t understood him in the first place.

Lena moved behind Kara without saying anything else. Her hands settled on Kara’s hips as though trying to steady herself. Her hands were cool on Kara’s skin and she tensed in spite of herself.

Slowly, she pulled Kara’s skirt up to her hips.

The dildo pressed into her slowly and she tensed further. She tried to relax but she couldn’t. It was wrong, it _hurt_. The situation was all wrong. Kara bit her lip to keep from crying out. Her body wanted to reject this intrusion, but she kept her breath steady, doing her best not to make this any harder on Lena.

Lena moved too fast, her hands too quick and sharp on Kara’s hips. Like she wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. Kara bit her lip, hanging her head in understanding.

“Stop.” Gabriel said abruptly.

Lena paused, her hands still holding Kara’s hips, waiting for further direction.

“Take it more slowly.”

Lena’s nails dug into Kara’s skin as though she were holding herself back from speaking.

Then she shook herself lightly and pulled out. “Then I definitely need to get her wet.”

“Be my guest.” Gabriel leaned against the wall, folding his arms across his chest.

Kara wished he weren’t right there, watching so intently. If Lena were in front of her, she could cope, but all she had were Lena’s hands.

And then Kara stiffened as Lena knelt in front of her, tentatively putting her hands on Kara’s thighs.

“You don’t have to do this.” Kara’s words were strangled in her throat.

Lena just looked up at her with an anguished apology in her eyes before she bent her head.

Kara bit her lip harder and just looked straight at the wall. She wouldn’t look at Gabriel, she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. But that low gasp escaped her as Lena’s tongue licked across her clit, she couldn’t stop that.

 _Wrong, wrong, wrong_ , but she felt herself growing wet even as she wanted to sob. Lena’s mouth was hot on her folds and her hands were cool on Kara’s thighs.

Lena ignored her, licking at Kara gently, tentatively at first and then when Kara tensed but accepted that there was no way to escape, she moved more assuredly. It wasn’t the first time she had done this, Kara realized. That thought in itself seemed natural, and the stab of jealousy that welled up inside her was hot and painful. She cried out as Lena caught her clit between her teeth, sucking hard.

Kara’s face flushed, the flush burned down her throat, between her breasts, coiling hotly between her legs where the dark head was perched. Lena’s teeth worked her clit harder.

She tried to her best to ignore his gaze but Gabriel continued to lounge against the wall, just smiling smugly at her. She was going to come with Lena’s mouth on her. Kara knew this and once she knew it, she couldn’t hold back any longer.

It rose up inside her like a tidal wave, her body twisting raggedly in her restraints, her legs shaking even as Lena held them still.

Lena sat back and then finally looked up directly at her. Her face was flushed and her eyes hungry and dark. There was a vivid wet sheen to on her lips she licked deliberately with a swipe of her tongue before rising once more to her feet. She searched Kara’s face hurriedly and then looked away before Kara could try to speak.

“Well, that certainly looked satisfying.” Gabriel drawled. “Now, get back to it.”

This time the dildo pressed more easily inside Kara’s folds. Lena moved slowly, more sensuously and then as Gabriel murmured something, she leaned in to lick a strip along Kara’s back.

Kara shivered as Lena’s nails dug into her back as she moved. Lena’s breath came quicker and harsher as she thrusted deeper.

Kara shifted slightly and there, oh god, the dildo sank just right inside her. No, this wasn’t right, none of this was supposed to be good. But there was pleasure all the same.  She moaned brokenly and Lena stilled just for a second, and then she moved again, the tips of her nipples brushing lightly across Kara’s back.

Her hands slid down Kara’s arms, across her blouse, everywhere but where she ached the most desperately.

“Yes, like that.” Gabriel murmured. “Touch her breasts.”

Lena’s hands paused for a moment as though distracted by the reminder of his presence. Then they slid up, inside Kara’s blouse to cup Kara’s breast through her bra as she moved faster and harder, the strap-on stabbing intimately between her thighs. Kara arched her back with a little cry as Lena reached down to finger her clit with her right hand. Too much.

She turned her head and caught a murmur of breath. Lena was right there. If Kara turned her head further, and Lena pressed nearer, they would be close enough to kiss. Her lip caught beneath her teeth, how badly her lips ached with want, to feel Lena’s lips against her own, as Lena had touched her.

Gabriel breathed a murmur of appreciation and at the sound, Kara snapped rudely back to reality.

None of this was by desire. Lena wouldn’t want to kiss her, not under the circumstances and probably not even in reality.

She kept her face turned away sharply, so that she wouldn’t be tempted again.

“More sensuously, more slowly.” Gabriel drawled. “You’re ladies after all, not cave dwellers.”

Lena’s hand cupped her breast more ferociously, working Kara's clit with fierce, savage fingers. Kara felt the dildo stabbing harder and harder, sinking deeper within, making her feel every inch of this.

Whatever reason this man was using as an excuse for this depraved behavior. He would never win.  

Lena was nothing like her brother. This situation was nothing like anything Lex had ever done. Kara closed her eyes, trying to shut out the unwanted heat, the way her body longed to react to Lena’s touch.

“You’re the one who’s no better than him, you know.” Lena’s voice broke harshly through the silence of the room.

Kara’s eyes jerked open, startled by the anger in Lena’s voice.

Gabriel too seemed surprised by her outburst. “I beg your pardon.”

“Lex.” Lena spat the name at him. “You’re doing this to prove a point after all, aren’t you? How we Luthors are all the same? Rotten to the core, evil under our skin?” Disdain gutted her words and had they been directed at Kara, she would have flinched. “You’re no better.”

Gabriel merely blinked and then to Kara’s bewilderment and Lena’s frustration, he merely laughed.

“My dear girl, I’ve never pretended to be.”

He moved closer, strolling across the room towards them, and if having his eyes on them had been bad enough, his close proximity was far worse.

Kara jerked away when he touched her cheek, even though he was looking at Lena all the while.

“This isn’t merely about you. It has nothing to do with you. You’re merely a statement.” His gaze traveled over their bodies with a modicum of consideration, smiling at their joined hips. “A crudely done, yet explicit statement.”

“Get your hand off her.” Lena hissed.

Gabriel’s smile vanished. He moved behind her, wrapping her hair around his fist and jerking her head back viciously. The movement yanked Lena’s body harder, rocking her forward into Kara who gasped.

“Don’t you dare speak to me in that voice.” He hissed. “You think you have the right to speak to me, but you have nothing. You’re _nothing._ ” He tugged her head back harder, making Lena cry out, the tension between their bodies was painful.

Kara was forced high up on the tips of her toes, panting as the dildo sank still deeper within her. Her glasses slid down her nose and then tumbled to the floor. 

“Fuck her harder, if you want the two of you to survive.’ Gabriel whispered in Lena’s ear. “Fuck her raw, if you want her to live.” He gave her hair another brutal yank, pulling it free, letting it cascade down her shoulders. Then he released her almost casually.

She sank against Kara for a moment, catching her breath. Her bare breasts rose and fell hotly against Kara’s back and then Gabriel said quietly.

“Finish her off face to face.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I want you to look at each other when you finish.” His smile had returned.

 Lena remained still for a moment, and then she slowly withdrew, moving around Kara to stand in front of her. Her hands reached for Kara's hips once more as she entered her a third time.  

Their faces were too close. There was nowhere to look, everything to see laid bare. If Lena could see what was insider her head, the way her body yearned for this in spite of everything, oh god.

“Pull her hair.” Gabriel urged. “Tug it back and expose her neck.”

Lena sucked in an angry breath, but obeyed, jerking Kara’s head back as she continued moving inside her. Kara couldn’t help the moan that passed her lips. She was slipping away, out into space, and Lena’s touch, hot and tight, holding on to her for all they were both worth, was the only thing keeping her tethered to Earth.

She blinked, not even realizing that she had closed her eyes. Her eyes locked right on Lena’s. Lena stared at her, her mouth trembling with pain, but also, oh Kara saw, full of pain and anguish but also, wonder, and desire.

Lena’s lips were so close. Kara wanted them. She half leaned forward, her own lips half parted, wanting, seeking. She could practically taste Lena, taste herself on Lena’s lips and that thought, that precious wretched giddy thought, sent her spiraling out of control.

Her body took over, clenching tightly around Lena, holding her close as Kara’s body spasmed helplessly.

Lena gasped, as she came, her hips grinding against Kara’s, her hands sliding down to cup her ass, bringing her even tighter together. Their bodies moved together in a drawn-out whisper of agonized ecstasy, a pantomime of pleasure and pain blended together into one blurred mess that couldn't be undone.

Lena stood still as Kara’s mouth parted helplessly, and then a muffled sob escaped Lena’s lips. There were tears glittering in her eyes. 

It was done. Their bodies rested against each other, sweaty and spent.

Kara inhaled softly. Lena’s fingers were still digging into her back, her body pressed tight against Kara’s, her breasts heaving against Kara’s shirt.

She wouldn’t look at Kara. Kara needed her to look at her. She needed to see Lena’s face.

“Lena.”

Lena turned her head away. “Don’t.” She slipped out of Kara who inhaled softly at the swift empty sensation.

Lena fumbled with the strap-on, dropping it to the ground. For a moment she looked lost, her shoulders drawn, her body hunching in on itself. Kara’s fists clenched in her restraints, desperate to tell her everything will be okay, tell her anything, to take away that look.

Gabriel made a _tsk tsk_ noise and Lena whirled to face him.

 _“Get out_.”

“Excuse me?” He raised an eyebrow.

“You had your fun.” Lena faced him stonily. “I did what you required. Now get out.”

“May I remind you that you’re currently my prisoners?”

“May I remind _you_ of what you’ve already proven today? That I am a Luthor, capable of anything and everything so get out.” Her body was rigid with fury, as she stared him down.

For a moment Gabriel paused. “I suppose you’ll be wanting this?” He held up a key. "Come to me if you want it."

Lena’s fists clenched and then she walked over to him and took it from his palm. He smiled, and then he went out, the door closing behind him.

*  *  *

The moment he was gone, Lena turned swiftly back to Kara.

“Lena.”

“Hold still.” Lena reached for her wrist. “I’m going to get you out of there. I can’t stand it another second.”

She got the first cuff unlocked, freeing Kara’s right wrist. Her fingers held Kara’s just for a second and then she let go, working quickly at the left one. When those were done, she knelt in front of Kara to undo her ankles. The sight of her kneeling in front of her again sent a raw ache through Kara's chest.

"There." Lena stepped back. 

Kara pulled her skirt down almost automatically, straightening her blouse. She picked her glasses up from where they had fallen to the floor, using them to steady herself. If it weren’t for the way her body throbbed, the way her legs trembled, the way her mouth ached with that kiss that never came, it would have been as though nothing had ever happened.

Lena had folded her arms self-consciously across her chest. She stood a little ways away from Kara, still not looking at her.

“Where…where are your clothes?” Kara asked.

“They’re in the next room.” Lena licked her lips. Her cheeks were stained red. Now that it was done, she couldn’t even face Kara even for a second.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s done. We’ll get out of this.” Kara reached for Lena’s hand. “We can do this.”

Lena looked down at her hand. “I’m surprised you can even bring yourself to touch me.”

“Oh, Lena.”

Lena pulled away. “I’ll get you out of here, Kara, I promise you.”

She looked around the room. It was completely bare save for the suspension frame and the cameras. There was nothing they could use.

The door opened and Gabriel came back in. “Now, I gave you the key so that you could offer each other a little comfort. Not so you could plot an escape.”

He pulled a gun from the inside of his jacket, nodding at Kara. “Get back over there.” To Lena, he ordered, “You, back against the wall..”

Kara took half a step backward and then another as he came towards her. Over his shoulder she watched Lena move sideways silently.

She stepped back to the frame, watching him carefully, avoiding looking at Lena.

Gabriel smiled. “You’re quite the little treasure, aren’t you?”

He stroked her cheek with the gun. “I do understand now what Lena sees in you.”

Lena slammed her elbow into the side of his head hard. He staggered, turning to aim the gun at her and she grabbed at his wrist knocking it out of his grasp.

“You bitch!” Gabriel gasped, striking at her.

Lena stumbled backwards but kept her balance. Kara moved in quickly, punching him just hard enough in the face to break his nose. As much as she wanted to kill him, he needed to face justice.

Gabriel fell back with a gurgle, blood spraying from his face. When he straightened up Lena had the gun levelled at him.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you?”

Kara took half a step forward, holding out her hand. “Lena, you don’t have to do this. Please, don’t do this.”

“He’s despicable.” Lena whispered. “I never would have…not for him, I never…”

“I know that. Just trust me, you don’t have to do this.” Desperation sang in Kara’s lungs. If Lena killed someone because of her, because of her stupidly keeping a promise she should have broken, she would never forgive herself.

“He wanted to prove I’m as bad as Lex.” Lena held the gun steady. “You know what would prove that point really well?”

“Lena, look at me.” _Oh gods, just look at me._

Lena’s eyes met hers for a long, despairing moment and oh gods, how could Kara ever tell her the truth now? She faltered, licking at her bruised lip as she tried to think of what to say.

“You’re not capable of shooting him.” Kara told her. “I know that about you. You’re just not capable of it.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, oh, I do.” She held back all the things she wanted to say, all the thing she’d never be able to say now. “I know you.”

Lena stared at her wordlessly and then deliberately, turned back  “Well?” She looked back at Gabriel. “I’m still waiting for my answer.”

He wiped the blood from his lips. “How about the fact that the two of you got to fuck each other? I think that should count for something, don’t you?” He grinned.

Lena’s face was like a winter’s night. “Not good enough.” she said, and fired.

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

For a moment it was as though time stood still and Kara had enough seconds to say all those unsaid things she needed to say. If that frozen moment had existed, she would have reached out to touch Lena’s face and feel her the warmth of her skin and tell her _I’m sorry._

But that moment never existed and she would never be able to say those things.

The bullet sang in the air and then Kara moved forward automatically catching it in her hand. Her palm stung and she could taste the metal in the air.

Lena stared at her frozen in shock. "How did you do that...” Lena lowered the gun. “Kara, how…”

“You didn’t…” Kara looked at the bullet in her hand. It had been fired far too low to kill him, which meant she hadn't meant to. “You weren’t going to kill him?” Her voice shook with relief.

“I was aiming for his leg.” Lena stared at her in disbelief. “What…” Her face paled. “You’re….” She caught herself before she said the name, but Gabriel already realized it for himself.

 _“Supergirl.”_ Gabriel said incredulously. “Are you serious? Are you telling me she let you do all of that when she could have saved you at point?”

“I could still shoot you, you know.” Lena glared at him.

He held up his hands in mock surrender. “I’d much prefer it if you didn’t.”

 “I should have known.” Lena’s gaze flickered back to Kara. “Somehow I should have known.”

Gabriel shook his head at Kara in stunned wonder. “You could have stopped me…”

Kara punched him. This time in the jaw, knowing it would shatter as it did. For once she didn’t feel a single bit of remorse. He screamed in pain, but he was still conscious so she punched him again, and this time he went out.

When she looked up Lena was still just looking at her in quiet shock.

“I’m sorry, I had promised…” Kara faltered. Nothing she said would make up for what she had done so she just shut up.

“I need my clothes.” Lena turned away from her.

“Right.” Kara adjusted her glasses and went to the door. There was one guard outside and she took care of him and then turned back to Lena. “Where were you taken?”

“In there.” Lena strode ahead of her towards a room across the hall.

Kara averted her eyes; it seemed wrong to look at Lena now. It had been unavoidable before, but now she felt ashamed at the mere idea.

Lena found her pile of clothes and pulled them on quickly. With a few quick twists her hair was back up, once again safely contained.

She picked up her bag and took out the phone. “If you don’t want to be identified here, you should go.”

Kara stared at her. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to call the police and tell them I was kidnapped and escaped.” Lena’s face was pale but composed. “You should probably go.”

“Lena.”

She looked at Kara and then quickly away. "I just can’t right now.”

“I understand but, Kara Danvers was kidnapped too, remember?”

“How could I forget?”

There was no bitterness in Lena’s voice, just stark abandonment. It made Kara wince. She looked around and caught sight of the cameras. “We still need to take care of the cameras.”

Lena shuddered. “God, yes.” She paused, clearly thinking about the fact that it had all been watched. “Do you think he recorded it or just had them on for security purposes?”

Kara hadn’t wanted to consider that; Lena of course faced up to it immediately.

“It’s possible.” She admitted reluctantly. 

“We'll just delete it, we'll delete all of it.” Lena moved decisively just as decisively whether she was clothed or not. Kara couldn’t help noticing.

“I could call Alex.” Kara offered. “They could send a team and take care of everything.” Even as she suggested it, she knew the DEO wouldn’t agree. There was nothing to suggest that Gabriel James was involved in anything to do with alien life. He was just a human man, plain and simple and terrible.

“I’m dealing with this officially.” Lena stated. “Beside, it’s not their area, exactly is it? It’s not about protecting the earth. It’s about the Luthor name.” There was a new wave of loathing in her voice when she said the name Luthor now.

Kara glanced at her but Lena still wasn't meeting her eyes. This wasn’t the time but she knew they had to talk.

“All right.”

They walked through the corridor together and after trying two more doors, and finding them all locked, Kara smashed the locks, but neither room yielded anything useful. They were simply being held in an empty warehouse that had been converted into sterile white office rooms. There was nothing.

Finally they returned to the hallway outside the room where they’d originally been held.

“He must have them located somewhere else.” Kara felt a little sick. That definitely meant he’d probably saved the recordings, rather than just having them watched for security purposes.

“We could question him.” Lena still held the gun.

Kara looked at her, worried. “Do you want to?”

“I’m not calling the police until the cameras are dealt with. I’m not leaving that mess out there for someone to find and leak to the press.”

Kara nodded. “Okay.”

They went back into the room. Gabriel was still slumped on the floor.

Kara hauled him to a more upright position and slapped him (lightly, she was careful this time) on the face.) “Hey, wake up.”

He blinked and she did it again. “Come on, wake up.” She loathed touching this man. Being this close to him was repulsive. 

He groaned and opened one eye. “What the hell do you want?” His voice grated painfully through his broken jaw.

“What do you have the cameras hooked up to? Where's your backup computer located?”

Gabriel winced. “Nowhere you can find them.”

Kara tightened her grip. “I trust you can come up with a better answer.”

He squinted at her, scowling through the dried blood on his face. “They’re connected to my personal computer which is in my apartment.” He slid his gaze sideways towards Lena. “She let you do that.”

“ _Don’t_  you _dare_ talk to her.” Kara growled.

His smile was crooked, teeth gleaming through the blood. “She _let_ you do that.”

Kara slammed his head against the wall and his eyes rolled back, falling back into unconsciousness. She left him on the floor and straightened up.

"Come on." Lena turned away.

*  *  *

They disconnected all the cameras and erased the footage.

“I’ll have someone find his computer. We’ll wipe the rest of the footage.” Kara promised.

“Fine.” Lena already had her phone out again.

“Lena.” Kara started but Lena just shook her head and then started speaking as the operator answered.

“Yes, I would like to report a kidnapping.”

She still hadn’t let go of the gun.

“What are you going to tell them?” Kara asked when she hung up.

“That we were kidnapped.” Lena said crisply. “That you were taken purely by coincidence and they left you alone in a room while they tried to get me to contact my mother. The intent was ransom but before they made any demands, we escaped.”

“I broke his jaw.” Kara pointed out. That would take a little bit of explaining.

“Yes, you did.” Lena’s eyes flickered over the prone figure. “We could say I did that.”

“What?”

“Say I got free first and I hit him with the gun.”

“Lena, I can’t let you…” Kara trailed off, knowing what a poor excuse they made for anything.

“It’ll be better for your cover,” Lena said and that was that.

 *  *  *

The police arrived along with an ambulance; it happened in a blur. Lena was questioned to one side, Kara to another.

“I just want to go home.” Lena kept saying.

“After you make a report.” The police insisted. “We’ll also need a statement from Miss Danvers.”

 “She doesn’t have to.” Lena said, not looking at her. “They took her by accident.”

Kara watched her being taken away in a police car and knew that nothing in the world could hurt like this, this feeling of being so utterly alone and having caused such pain to a person she cared about. It hurt to breathe, to exist. 

But there was still the little problem of the fact that Gabriel James knew about her identity, and sooner or later he would tell someone.

Kara took a deep breath, and called Alex. “We’ve got a situation.” That was putting it mildly.

“That’s not what I want to hear.”

When Kara said nothing, Alex’s tone sharpened. “Kara, what’s wrong?”

“Lena and I were…kidnapped and when we escaped," She meant to say, _'I might have given away the fact that I can catch bullets.'_ But what came out was, "I broke his jaw.” She still wasn’t sorry about that.

“You did _what?_ ”

“I broke his jaw.” Kara said, more glumly.

“Kara, the point of a secret identity is that it stays secret.”

“Hey, I could just be someone who works out and is strong enough to break a jaw.” She pointed out. She should have just broken his jaw to begin with; it would saved both her and Lena a lot of pain. Damn Hank for making her make that stupid promise, and damn herself for keeping it.

 *  *  *

After giving her statement to the police Kara was finally allowed to go home and once there, all she wanted to do was curl up in bed and hide from the world. Everything hurt so much.

Instead she took a shower, letting the water run off her body until it was freezing. She barely felt it, her skin had gone numb.

By the time she was drying off and getting dressed again, there was a rap at the door.

“It’s fine.” Kara started to say as she opened the door, but it wasn’t fine. It would never be fine again.

“What happened in there?” Alex faced her. “You were kidnapped?”

Kara shook her head. “It was….” She swallowed, tight and painful. She couldn’t reveal what had happened between her and Lena. It was too raw, too personal, too terrible.

She burned with embarrassment and horror at what she had done. All she needed was to be alone and then try to think what she was going to do, how to talk to Lena and get her to understand why she had done it. She knew Lena needed time too, but it was so hard staying in this moment, feeling the weight of this pain and knowing that Lena was hurting too.

“I just… we got taken and I kept my promise to J’onn. I didn’t tell anyone I was Supergirl.”

“That’s good.” Alex said, squeezing her shoulder earnestly. “Kara that’s a good thing.”

“I should have told her, Alex.” Kara just shook her head. “I wanted to trust her. I _do_ trust her. That’s the thing. I went against my gut because of J’onn, because of keeping the DEO and you safe.”

_And I hurt her so badly._

She shuddered quietly. “I just need to get some rest…”

“So why’d you contact the DEO? To all intents and purposes this guy sounds like an average scumbag who was just out to get Lena.”

Kara shook her head. “He’s not average. He’s definitely some kind of scientist." She thought of what he had said.  _I had been awarded a grant to work on a project funded by LexCorp, and that night we were celebrating. "_ He used to work for Lex, something like that, until Lex didn't fund him anymore." She should look into that.

“So?”

“So I kinda caught a bullet because I thought Lena was about to shoot him.” She said grimly. “And that kinda gave the whole game away.”

“Oh, Kara.” Alex sighed. 

“Yep,” Kara braced her hands on the island counter. “So he knows my secret and he’s still alive.”

“That’s also a good thing.” Alex pointed out.

“But that means he’s still a problem. He's human, Alex. We don't have any reason to take him to the DEO." Frankly she didn't want him anywhere near the place. Her skin crawled at the thought.

“J’onn can take care of his memory.”

“I don’t want him to have to do that!” Kara protested. She didn’t want to make anyone else do something they regretted because of her actions. No one should have to do that, for her or for anyone.

“We can discuss this.” Alex said finally. “We’ll figure something out. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Kara murmured. “Tomorrow? I just some time...to rest.”

Alex hugged her and she let herself lean into the embrace for a second then pulled back. “I’ll talk to you then, okay?”

“Okay. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

Kara closed the door and took a breath and then another, until she felt like she could breathe somewhat normally again.

 *  *  *

She spent a sleepless night curled up in bed, staring into the endless dark.

 *  *  *

Kara waited three days. She knew Lena needed time, but it was so difficult, not knowing how Lena was doing, what she was thinking, how she was dealing with it.

And finally she had some information that she knew Lena would want to know.

It was late when she went to Lena’s office but her secretary said that Lena had already gone home;

“Oh, okay, thanks.”

Kara thought about that and then went over to Lena's apartment. When there was no answer at her door, she snuck into the stairwell and up to the roof. She flew by Lena’s windows, but there was no sign of Lena in the dark apartment.

So she flew back to Lena’s office.

A low lamp was still on when she landed on the balcony. Kara stood there a moment, watching Lena through the glass. Lena sat there on the couch, her shoes off, feet tucked up underneath her on the couch. Her hair was down and she was resting her head on the back of the couch while she gazed at the wall.

Kara ached at the sight of her. Would Lena ever want to see her again, let alone trust her?

She waited and then slid the door open.

“I wondered when you’d come.” Lena said without looking up.

Kara slid the door shut.

“I have something to tell you.” She began.

 “If it’s to say how sorry you are, please don’t.” Lena tilted her head back and looked at her.

Kara pressed her lips together, ignoring the rush of pain and guilt that went through her as she shook her head. She wasn’t going to say that, not until Lena wanted to hear it, as much as Kara wanted to say it over and over and over again.

 “They transferred Gabriel James to a secure facility this morning. You won’t have to worry about him getting out.”

Lena sat up straight. “But he knows about your secret.” She sounded actually truly worried, as though she might still be concerned about Kara, rather than herself.

“He’s been dealt with.” Kara said. She didn’t want to think of that or the look on J’onn’s face when he had told her the problem had been taken care of.

“Dealt with?” Lena sat up again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“They…” Kara paused. “have methods of keeping people from talking.”

“Oh.” Lena said. “What…” She glanced down, like she was trying to think things through. “That’s good though, you’re safe then, right? Your secret is safe?”

“We’re safe.” Kara said.

“Are we?” Lena murmured.

Kara went over to her and knelt by the couch. She gazed at Lena, willing her to listen. “I know it’s not much and I know you can’t believe me, but I promise that I will do my best to keep you safe.” She hesitated. “I know you can’t trust me, and I understand.”

Lena bit her lip and looked away, tears stinging in her eyes.

“I know that.” Kara whispers, tears swelling up in her throat. “But I give you my word that I will use everything in my power to keep you safe. I _will._ I promise you that.”

Lena gazed at her and for a moment, Kara thought she  started to lean down towards her, but that was fantasy.

“I believe you.” Lena said after a moment and Kara’s heart leapt.

“But you’re right. I can’t trust you.” Lena swallowed. “I’d like you to go now. Please.” She turned away from Kara to gaze at the wall once more.

She didn’t have to ask a second time. Kara was gone by the time she looked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly couldn't remember if Lena knows about the DEO or not, but frankly she should, what with the whole situation with her mom/Cadmus so in this story she knows about the existence of the DEO.


	4. Chapter 4

_Four months later_

Kara sat at her desk, chewing on her pencil and trying to re-figure an outline for a project she had due when she got a knock at the door.

“Come in!” She sang out without looking up. Usually it was James who comes down to visit her on his lunch break and so she’s not expecting to see anyone else.

“Sure I’m not disturbing you?”

Kara’s head snapped up at the sound of her voice.

Lena stood awkwardly in the doorway. She looked tentative, but hopeful.

“I uh, of course not.” Kara got up. “Please, come in. Please.” Her face was flustered; she could barely get the words out. This was the first time Lena’s been in her office; that’s the thought that popped into her mind.

Lena smiled slightly and then. “I’m sorry I haven’t been…” She trailed off, the hesitancy rising again.

Kara shook her head. “I understand, I didn’t expect you to.” They both flushed then.

There was a moment of silence and Kara stared at her outline blankly. She didn’t understand a single thing she had written.

“I wanted to know if we could start fresh.” Lena began.

“Are you sure?” Kara blurted out. “I mean.” She swallowed. “I would understand if you never wanted to look at me again, let alone speak to me.” She stopped. Was that too much? Too soon? This was the first time they had spoken in months.

Lena shook her head. “I thought about that, but frankly… I’m not prepared for you to not be in my life, Kara…as long as you want to be.”

Relief hit Kara like a truck. “I’m so glad,” she whispered.

Lena’s smile was bigger this time. “So, can we go to lunch?”

“Absolutely.” Kara grabbed her bag and her sweater.

 *  *  *

They walked side by side. Kara was still conscious of Lena’s body. She would always be conscious of Lena’s body, she always was. It was impossible not to be aware of Lena’s body.

“So I went to a therapist.” Lena began once they’ve ordered. “The Luthors of course are generally against any kind of therapy, so first thing I made an appointment.”

“Good for you.”

Lena nodded. “It was the right decision. We talked a bit about….the kidnapping, but we also went back before that, things with my family, issues I never wanted to talk about.” She drifted off. “I will never be free of the Luthor name, and I knew that really, when I took over L-Corp. But the whole situation made it really sink in, in a way I didn’t want to face, not even think about.”

Kara’s impulse was to apologize; she wanted to apologize a million times but what good will that do? It will only serve her want to make herself feel better so she stayed quiet, listening to Lena until she realized Lena was waiting for a response.

“What’re you going to do?” Kara asked.

“Not give a fuck about what people think about me anymore.” Lena said bluntly. “I’ve spent my whole life acting one way or another because of that family and now I’m just going do what I want, for me. I will make L-Corp a good company because it could be a very good company, not to make amends for Lex. I’m not responsible for my brother’s actions. I understand that now. I did before, but now I feel it in a new way…”

“That’s good.”

“And that…made me confront a few things.” Lena added. “I’m not over what happened in that room.” Her eyes met Kara’s frankly. “I don’t know that I ever will be, but I don’t want to blame you for that impossible situation that man forced us into.”

All the same Kara couldn’t breathe. “I never should have done what I did.”

“Kara,” Lena’s voice was soft. She reached out and took her hand. “Can we just try to move past it?”

This was a miracle, Kara told herself. This was amazing and you should be grateful to have this chance. You don’t deserve it in a million years and she’s giving it to you.

What does it matter if Kara couldn’t stop thinking about the way Lena looked on her knees, or the sounds she made when she came, when she was deep inside Kara? What does it matter that Kara sometimes woke in the night, still feverish for those sounds, those memories, wet and wanting, her hand between her own legs?

It doesn’t matter. This would enough. It had to be.

If Lena would be her friend after what happened, she would be the most generous person in the world. Kara would take it.

 *  *  *

The next weeks were like before. Kara and Lena meet for lunch usually at least a week.  They text, they talk about their work. Lena was putting together a new energy plan for L-Corp that was taking up most of her time.

 So when Lena invited her out for drinks ( _I need a break from overthinking and analyzing everything. Please?)_ , Kara agreed.

It was normal to go out for drinks. People did it all the time. It was fine.

It wasn’t fine. She couldn’t stop looking at Lena, in a dress that showed off her shoulders and her breasts, fitting her like a velvet glove, cupping her breasts perfectly.

Lena excused herself to go to the bar for another round and as she walked away, Kara’s vision blurred slightly. She should not have thinking about Lena’s breasts and how perfect they were, how absolutely wonderful it would have been to touch them.

She couldn’t stop thinking like this; she needed to stop thinking like this.

The click clack of heels brought her back to her senses and sent her further into reverie at the same time, remembering the way that Lena had looked wearing that fucking strap-on.

She adjusted her glasses quickly and turned to smile at Lena as she returned with their drinks.

“Sorry I was so long.”

“Oh, no worries.” Kara took a sip of her drink.

“Why do you wear them?” Lena asked quietly.

Kara paused. “My…glasses?”

“You don’t have to lie to me anymore about it.” Lena sounded wry but not bitter and the slight tension eased a little in Kara’s chest.

“It’s part of my identity…it helps ground me a little.” She explained how Jeremiah thought they would help her fit in and remind her how to be more human. “But sometimes I wish I didn’t.”

“You don’t have to with me.” Lena took a sip of her cocktail.

Kara hesitated and then reached up to take her glasses off, setting them on the table.

Lena gazed at her. “You look different somehow without them. More confident somehow.”

“Really?” She’d always felt more confident with them on, like they were a shield protecting her from the world. A shield that lately had felt more smothering than protective. A shield she wasn’t sure of anymore.

“But I wonder if that’s because I know.” Lena murmured. She shakes her head a little. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t, you’re fine.” Kara reassured her.

They both took a sip of their drinks and for a moment there’s a silence bordering on awkward and then Lena turned her head and pulled her hair back over her shoulder and Kara was struck by a memory so physical it ached. _Lena’s mouth on her skin, her lips on Kara’s body, their bodies connected._

A wave of lust and disgust pressed through her, making her shudder. Her stomach roiled.  

“Kara, are you okay?” Lena asked, concern in her voice.

“I am…I just need to use the restroom.” She picked up her glasses and went to the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror until she could finally look herself in the eyes again.

“Get your act together, Danvers.” She told herself fiercely. “You got a second chance when you didn’t deserve it. If you can’t handle this, maybe you don’t deserve it.”

 *  *  *

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Lena asks when Kara returns to their table.

“Yeah, I just…” Kara shook her head slightly. “The alcohol didn’t really agree with me.”

Lena ran her fingers around the rim of her cocktail glass. “I told you, you don’t have to lie to me, Kara. I thought we were past that sort of thing.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I know alcohol doesn’t really affect you.” Lena sat back in her chair, with her arms folded over her chest and looked at her quizzically. Was there a challenge in the tilt of her chin?

“Oh.” Kara said very quietly. “I see.”

Lena knew all her secrets now, she couldn’t keep anything back. Well, all but one and that one Kara could never let her learn.

Lena finished her cocktail and nodded to the bartender for another.

Kara adjusted her glasses again out of habit and caught a glimpse of something in Lena’s eyes.

“Why do you do that?”

“I told you.” Kara told her, her nerves were drawn tight, her skin hot. She looked away, wondering if she should just go.

“I’m sorry. I thought this was a good idea but maybe…” Lena drifted off. She drained her third cocktail just as quickly.

“Maybe we should call it a night.” Kara’s voice grew even quieter now.

“Maybe.” Lena agreed. She grabbed her bag and took out her wallet. “I’ll get these, we should go.”

“Oh, that’s…” Kara watched her place a bill on the table.

“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Lena hesitated like she was intending to say something more, but then instead Lena turned and went out.

Kara was left standing by the table, uncertain and alone.

 *  *  *

Kara would have left it there if there hadn’t been a power outage that night. She was still awake, listening to the rain when the city went black.

All of it, the whole of the city was dark and Kara looked out over it. She knew she should be seeing what she could to help, but somehow deep down, she knew she had to check on Lena. It would be dangerous enough to be in a blackout., but there had been those drinks, and Lena had left so hurriedly. Just in case.

_I just need to make sure she’s okay._

She flew over to the apartment building in which Lena owned the penthouse apartment. She had a house outside the city too, a mansion befitting the Luthor name, but the apartment was where she spent her time away from the office.

Kara had been here several times. Once to meet her before they went to a press conference and Lena wanted some tips on the journalists she would be facing. Another time for drinks after a particularly long day. That was the first time (one of many) that Kara had thought there might be something between them. And once to drop off some press briefs before she ran an article Snapper had approved on L-Corp holdings.

There was a balcony and she landed quietly, just to look through the window.

Lena stood in her kitchen, cradling a glass of something to her chest and looking at her phone. It was the sole light in the dark apartment.

Lightning flashed and Kara jumped. When she turned back to the window she saw Lena staring at her through the glass.

Kara turned to fly away, she should fly away, but then Lena pushed the glass door open and stood there, gazing at her.

“Are you coming in or not?”

“I just wanted to check on you.” Kara said. It sounded flimsy to her own ears. “The outage is all over the city.”

The apartment was so dark. Lena leaned against the glass, not apparently minding the rain falling on her hair, trailing down her cheeks.

“I’ve been debating whether or not to call you, so we’re even.” She stepped back, letting the door stay wide open. “Come in.”

Kara stepped past her, aware of how close Lena was, how she smelled, rain and whiskey and _Lena_. God, she would never forget how Lena smelled, soap and lilies sweaty and sweet. God, she wanted to take her in her arms and kiss Lena till she was senseless, till she was warm and wanting in Kara’s arms.

“Just…” Lena shook her head and took another sip of her drink. “I can’t…do this, Kara. I can’t.”

Kara felt the shards of her broken words slice through her. She wanted to offer her comfort, but knew it wouldn’t be welcome.

“I know.”

“You don’t.” Lena shook her head fiercely. “I’m such a fucking mess.” Her eyes were filled with tears as she gazed at Kara. “Please.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Just hold me?” Lena muttered. “Tell me it will be okay?”

Kara hesitated, but Lena had asked so she stepped forward and put first one arm around her and then the other, holding her gently in her strong embrace.

And then Lena tilted her face up and kissed her.

Kara froze.

Lena’s lips moved on hers. “Kiss me.” Lena pleaded. “I need…”

“I can’t…” Kara forced herself to step back. “I can’t do this. You’re going to regret it.” She turned towards the door. “I should go.”

“No.” Lena whispered. “Please. I won’t….I promise I won’t. I promise. But please don’t leave me alone.” She slumped against the counter, her shoulders shaking, and the next thing, Kara knew, she had caught her up in her arms.

She carried Lena to bed and tucked her in. Got her a glass of water for when she inevitably woke up dry-mouthed and thirsty. She looked down at Lena.

“Stay.” Lena whispered. “Please.”

She couldn’t leave. The urge to make sure Lena was safe, protected was still strong. The city was still dark. So she stayed. While Lena slept, curled up on her side, her hair sprawled across the pillow, Kara removed her suit. Underneath it she wore underwear and a thin tank-top. She took the other side of the bed and pulled the sheets up over her.

She looked over her shoulder at Lena who looked peacefully asleep.

Kara’s heart ached. “I wanted to kiss you.” She whispered, confident that Lena was asleep and wouldn’t hear this. “I wanted to so much, but you’d have regretted it. You’re going to regret this and you’ll hate me, maybe more than you ever did before.” She could hardly stand it, that this was the last time she’d be close to Lena, this one night in the dark.

“I don’t hate you.” Lena murmured sleepily. “I love you.”

Kara replayed that moment in the dark until she fell asleep, listening to the sound of Lena breathing beside her, but try as she might she still wasn’t sure if she had heard it, or if it had just her imagination all along.


	5. Chapter 5

Kara woke first. For a moment she was completely content; she was warm and cozy, and the warmth next to her was soft and good, just right.

She opened her eyes. Lena was curled up alongside her, their bodies pressed close together. She gave a little exhale and Kara froze. Lena was so close, and she remembered, oh Rao, Kara remembered the feel of her lips last night.

She tried to move slowly without waking her, but Lena’s eyelashes fluttered. And then she blinked and her eyes widened.

“Good morning?” Kara said cautiously.

Lena licked her lips, hesitated, and then. “Did…”

“Nothing happened.” Kara said hastily, her heart pounding. “It’s okay.”

Lena rolled over on her back. “That’s not completely true though, is it?” She looked over at Lena. “I tried to kiss you last night, didn’t I?”

“It’s okay.” Kara said.

“It’s not.” Lena pushed herself up. “You don’t understand.”

Kara sat up then too. “Then tell me.”

When Lena didn’t speak, she tentatively put a hand on her shoulder, making sure her touch was all right with Lena before she continued. “Lena, I _want_ to understand.”

“You won’t…not after.” Lena’s shoulders hunched tightly, like she was trying to keep everything contained and safe within her body.

“I do.” Kara insisted. “Lena, nothing you say could, not after… I promise. Even if you don’t want to see me again…” Her voice caught in her throat, trembling. “I would respect that.” It would break her heart, but she would respect it.”

“And if I wanted the opposite.” Lena’s voice was so small Kara had to lean in to hear it.

“What?” The opposite? What did Lena mean by that?

“Nevermind.” Lena stood up. "Forget it."

She headed out of the bedroom and down the hall. Kara waited a moment and then followed her.

*  *  *

“Lena. Please just talk to me.” Whatever it was, she wanted to know.

Lena stood in the center of her kitchen looking around the room, like she could find the answer to what she needed somewhere there.

She stopped and then turned back to Kara.

"All that time you could have stopped it. You allowed me to do that horrible, evil thing, to _rape_ you, to let me see parts of myself I never wanted to accept even existed."

Kara shook her head. "That's not what I saw."

"Oh, and what is it you saw?"

"You saved me. The reason you did that, the only reason, was because you wanted to save me and you _did_. I don't call that evil."

"What about what you did?" Lena shot back. "What would you call that?"

"Cowardly." Kara whispered. “Cowardly and selfish.” She took a deep breath, trying to hold still, to not shatter into a hundred pieces.

Lena’s face was shadowed with misery. “Why did you stop me from shooting him?”

“Because I couldn’t live with you hurting another person.” Kara cried out. “I could live with you doing terrible things to me. I was selfish when I did that, because I was thinking about _me_ , about how I could stand that, about how strong _I_ was. But that wasn’t fair to you. I should have put you first and thought about what you could handle, what it would do to you.”

Lena’s shoulders were shaking, her arms wrapped around her stomach.

Kara took another deep breath, letting it out, letting herself focus only making sure Lena understood how much she didn't blame her. She could do this, and she could walk away if she had to, if that was what Lena needed her to do.

“I know that I can’t ask you to forgive me. I don’t expect you to. But I will be there if you ever need me, and I promise you, I won’t fail you a second time.”

She was nearly at the balcony when Lena spoke.

“You didn’t fail me the first time.”

Kara turned back. “But I could have stopped you.” She couldn’t keep the regret from her voice. “I should have stopped you.”

“You could have. And I could have chosen not to do it.” Lena looked up at her. “You’re not the only one who…failed you.”

“What?”

“I mean, yes I did it to save you, but part of me…” Lena hugged her arms round herself tighter, looking down at the floor. “Part of me was thinking ‘what if this is the only way I ever get to know her?”

She lifted her face, eyes hollow and bright with confession and pain. “When I did that to you in there, when I was inside you…it was everything I’ve wanted. With you. But it wasn’t….I didn’t want it that way.”

Kara couldn’t breathe.

“All this time, I’ve been so careful, to never be too rough with someone, to never let myself be too hard with anyone I wanted, to never hurt someone.” She choked. “I have all these desires, Kara, and that moment in that room, it let them out. _I_ let them out.”

Shaking, Lena finally dropped her hands, revealing red marks on her arms from the grip of her own fingers. She pushed her dark hair from her face and shook her head. “Maybe Gabriel was right.”

“Hey, hey, don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.” Kara reached out to touch her shoulder “You are better. You’re good. I know that.”

“How can you even think that after what I did?” Lena stared at her.

“Because I look at you and I know what’s really in your heart.” Kara faced her. Her gaze was steady and she meant every single word. “Because I know you.”

She took a step closer. “Remember when your mom tried so hard to make everyone believe you were working with Cadmus?”

Lena’s laugh was half-sob. “How could I forget?”

“And I believed you.” Kara moved closer. “I always believed in you, Lena. I always will.”

Lena searched her face. “How?”

“I just…that’s how I feel when I look at you. I know it in my bones, in my gut, in my heart.” Kara’s sincerity sang in her words. She couldn’t have lied about this even if she had wanted to.

Lena licked her lips, still gazing at her eyes, looking at Kara like maybe she was the answer.

“Do you want me to go?” Kara murmured. 

“No.” Lena said. “I’m not sure about a lot of things right now…but I don’t want that.” She paused, “Maybe I shouldn’t forgive you. Maybe it isn’t a matter of forgiveness. Maybe it’s more complicated than that.” She shrugged. “I just know, I miss not seeing you and I want to ask what you’re thinking when I see something that reminds me of you. And I’m angry that we’ll never get…the chance to be something else.

“Something else…” Kara murmured. Could it be that Lena realized everything she wanted, everything that she thought when she looked at Lena? Everything she thought she could never have now.

“Anything other than what we are.” Lena whispered. “I _can’t._ Kara, I know you weren’t…even if we were…” Lena shook her head, and there were tears in her eyes. “Look, I can’t even say this properly.” She looked Kara straight in the eyes, letting the tears slip down her cheeks. “I wish that had never happened, so I could just say fuck everything and ask you out like I wanted to ever since I first met you. That I’d never put us in the ‘not dating material’ box and made myself not even think about it. But now, everything is just fucking ruined and I’ll never… _we’ll_ never.”

“Oh.” Kara said quietly. “Oh.”

“I know you never would have, I know if we can even be friends, it’ll be a miracle after everything, but I can’t help wishing things were different and I needed to say that just once, to admit it out loud.”

Lena turned and put her hands on the counter, steadying herself, but a sob escaped her throat all the same.

 "Lena..." Kara moved next to her. "It's okay, just let it out."

 “All of that in there, I didn’t have to do. None of that. If you had just used your powers, I would never have had to do that.”  Lena broke down, her shoulders shaking, body heaving with emotion.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Kara tentatively put an arm around her and when Lena turned more into her embrace, she held her more closely, trying to comfort her. “Hank told me I had to keep them a secret and I was trying so hard to follow that rule, I thought it would be okay. But I never meant you to have to do that. I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m the one who hurt you!” Lena burst out. “I did that.”

“To save my life.” Kara said calmly.

“Doesn’t matter.” Lena sobbed.

“It does too matter!” She held Lena closer. “You saved me when I was being a coward and didn’t save myself, didn't save you.”

Lena shook her head. “No, I didn’t.”

“Hey.” Kara said softly. “I’m trying to say thank you here.”

Lena just started crying harder, resting her head on Kara’s shoulder as she did. Kara simply let her. She let Lena sob, her chest shuddering against her, her tears falling on Kara’s hair. Kara stroked her hair gently, rubbing her hand in soothing motions on Lena’s back. They stood there in the kitchen, letting the guilt and the shame and the tension slip away in the tears. 

*  *  *

Eventually Lena’s tears subsided and she turned her face further into the curve of Kara’s shoulder, and gave a small, half gasp-breath, the kind you do when you’re all cried out.

Her eyes were red-rimmed and shadowed, her cheeks reddened, but she looked calmer. 

“Hey.” Kara rubbed her shoulder. “Feel better?”

“A bit.” Lena nodded. “Thanks.”

Kara nodded. “It’s okay.”

“I need a glass of water.” Lena started to step away from her, and then she reached out and squeezed Kara’s hand very quickly and then she moved over to get a glass down from the cupboard and reached for the faucet.

Kara hesitated. She watched Lena drink half her glass of water and then set it down on the counter.

Lena glanced at her. “What?”

“Oh…it’s….” Kara shook her head.

“I just said _all_ of that, you can’t hold back now.”

“You said that we….we weren’t dating material…" Kara shifted awkwardly.

Lena’s eyes darted sideways like she was trapped, and then she faced Kara again. “Yes, I mean, no. I wanted…but I decided it would be too risky.”

“Oh.” Kara pursed her lips. “Risky because…why?”

“Because I don’t want to lose our friendship. You’re the only real friend I have here in National City, Kara, you know that. And if I lost that because we tried for something else, and I fucked up and hurt you.” She gave a little bitter laugh.

“You don’t know that’s what will happen.” Kara said, and then realized she’d spoken in present tense.

“I think we have a pretty good idea that it could though.” Lena sighed. “Look what happened just because we were at lunch together.”

“Yeah, but next time things would be different.” Kata caught herself again.

This time Lena heard it. She stared at Kara. “How could they be different?”

“You said…you said, ‘what if I wanted the opposite?’” Kara said. “That’s what you meant. Us. Together. Right?"

“It doesn’t matter what I want.” Lena started.

“Doesn’t it?” Kara said desperately. “All of this, everything that happened to us was because of what somebody else wanted. We should think about what we want. It matters.”

Lena looked at her.

“So,” Kara took a deep breath. “I’m asking you, what if things could be different?”

 “Kara…”

“I know we can’t take it back, but maybe we can move forward.” Oh, Rao help her, she was taking all the risks in the world right now. What if Lena said no? What if she couldn't stand the thought anymore?

“Kara, what do you mean?”

“I mean, I wish you had asked me out on that date.” She whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. She’d never let herself say that aloud either, not to anyone, not even Alex.

Lena’s eyes widened. “Do you… _Are_ you?”

“I’m not sure.” Kara said. “I’ve never thought about it and then when Alex came out, and I was like 'oh, that makes sense.' And then I started thinking about how I feel around you, and part of me stupidly assumed I was just trying to be supportive.” She grimaced slightly. “By being attracted to another girl.”

“That might be all it is, just a silly crush.” Lena sounded helpless. “I know these things can be confusing.”

“A crush doesn’t explain how I feel about you.” Kara murmured. “It’s so beyond that. It’s…when I think about you, my whole face just smiles.” She smiled then, in spite of herself, hearing herself just saying that. “My heart lights up. You make me feel like I’m breathing for the first time after being stuck alone in space all those years.”

She stopped for a moment, examining everything she was admitting, then continued. “But I didn’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect you to want to hear those words, not after what I did.”

“What we did.” Lena corrected, her eyes were still focused on Kara’s face. “Do you think…”  Her hand reached out to take Kara’s hand. “We could start again?”

Kara just gazed down at the fingertips grazing lightly on her wrist. “Is that what you want?”

“More than anything.” Lena murmured.

She drew close, leaning in, until she was close enough to kiss. Kara hesitated. What if this was wrong, what if Lena was confused about everything and didn’t know what to say? What if she shouldn’t have admitted her feelings?

But Lena had said she wanted to ask her out _before._ Beforethe kidnapping, before any of it.  Maybe there was still hope.

Her mouth formed a question of longing and then Lena's breath ghosted over her lips and Kara let herself just breathe as Lena kissed her. She had never known a kiss like that. It was so soft, so yearning, so loving, like Lena’s whole being was being offered to her. It grew hotter and hotter until Kara thought she was die from wanting. Lena’s hands were in her hair, drawing her closer and closer until all she could think was _Lena._

When they finally parted, Kara couldn’t help moaning a little.

“Oh, that was long overdue.” Lena whispered across her lips.

Kara smiled and kissed her again. “Are you sure this is all right?”

“You’re going to keep asking me that for a while aren’t you?” Lena leaned back against the wall and looked at her. 

“Yeah, probably.” Kara said completely serious.

“Well, for now, I'm all right. I’m working through things." her hand was on Kara's waist, anchoring her. "But I feel better with you here, and I loved waking up next to you.” Her eyes burned into Kara’s like wildfire.

“Me too.” Kara’s breath caught. Rao, she wasn’t even kidding, now she couldn’t even breathe around Lena. It was like she was exposed, turned inside out, raw and wanting, stripped of everything but this rush of desire, roaring loudly in her veins.

“Kiss me again.” Lena whispered.

So Kara did, slipping an arm around her hip, pulling Lena in to rest against her. And then she remembered what Lena said last night.

She drew back, gazing at Lena. 

“What is it?”

“Last night you said something right before you fell asleep.”

Lena flushed and she looked down, biting her lip. “Look, I…”

“I know you were drunk, and I know it’s early to say anything.” Kara’s voice was very very soft as she touched Lena’s chin and tilted her face back up. “I just wanted to say…if you said that to me again, someday, I….would probably do something like this.”

She leaned in and kissed Lena full on the mouth, holding her against her body, letting Lena feel the heat and desire of her. 

“Good.” Lena whispered when she had a chance. “Cause chances are, I’ll say it again.” There was a catch in her breath, but there was also a light in her eyes and it made Kara’s heart breathe light again, like maybe everything would be okay after all.

“Chances are, I’ll say it back.”

She kissed Lena again, as Lena's finger curled through her hair, pulling her close.


End file.
